Still grieving and still hoping

This is Sean and I am sitting at the kitchen table in a lonely house.  Sheyenne and G have gone away to visit some family and I am left in the quiet with some time to reflect.  The loss of Whitney still weighs heavy on my heart.  I find myself locked into a strange conundrum though, in that I do not know how to correctly grieve the loss of my first daughter and have joy living in the moment with my second.  I know that the answer to my riddle is simple, that I can grieve the first and enjoy the second, but I don't know how to put this into practice. 

I see Gia and know that she has straight hair and when I held Whitney she had curly hair.  I miss that curly hair so much though.  I find myself fighting back any sort of sadness or sorrow because I now have so much blessing and joy in my life.  To be honest, I feel like a horrible father.  Pity is not what I seek but what I long for is a healthy balance of missing and rejoicing in the same breath. 

John the Baptist I believe could relate to my frustration.  He dreamt the dreams of what the Messiah would bring and he even saw the dove come down and mark the Son of God.  And towards the end of his life he finds himself locked away in prison.  Sitting in that cell could not have been very encouraging and I would venture to guess that doubt might have set in from time to time.  He knows the promise of what Jesus has come to fulfill.  He has seen the light of the world with his very two eyes.  And yet in Matthew 11 John the Baptist finds himself locked in a prison cell. 

I wonder if the Baptist is thinking back to his own words that he spoke "I baptize you with water for repentance, but he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor and gather his wheat into the barn, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire." I wonder if he is confused because his current imprisonment does not match his understanding of what the Messiah was supposed to do, that those who believe and repent will have blessing and those who do not will have judgment?  So John does what we all wish we could do...and that is to send word to Jesus and hear his answer. 

I have to admit I love but hate what Jesus sends back to John.  First Jesus does not question his doubt, nor does he hold it against John because he goes on to build John and repeat the Baptist's mission in the world.  Jesus tells John's disciples all of the wonders and miracles that are being preformed daily.  Jesus wants John to know how the Kingdom is being shown on the earth and Jesus wants John to know how the Son of God is redeeming this fallen world.  But what did Jesus not tell John?  He told him that the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are clean, and the deaf hear (amen!).  But what is missing from this response? 

There is no mention of the prisoners being set free.  John, you are going to die in prison.  I am still the Son of God, but you are going to die in prison.  Now we don't hear how John received this message, and I would venture to guess that since he was killed he put his faith in the right place and did not try and wiggle out of Herod's grip. 

As poor of a comparison to go from the Baptist to me, I too must believe what Jesus has spoken.  All around there are stories of healing and of miraculous things taking place, and who am I to demand from the God of the universe to bow down to my will and my desires.  I am grateful that Jesus let John doubt and ask if Jesus really is the Messiah.  I have asked as well, and I am constantly reminded who Jesus truly is and how he has never abandoned me. 

So to go back to where this all started, I will continue to grieve and miss my baby girl because really what father wouldn't.  But I will also hold true to the promise of my Savior, that he has come to deliver us from the bondage of our sin that so easily entangles this world and that he is coming back again for his glory and not mine.  I thank God that this little life named Whitney has brought him much glory and praise, and I pray that we all would strive to do the same. 

Comments

[Sandi McReynolds]

Ah, Sean! Thanks for so transparently sharing your heart. I know your faithfulness and decision to trust Jesus no matter what makes Him smile, and your example blesses more lives than you'll ever know. He truly is using your pain for His glory, and His plan for you is good...for hope and a future. We pray for you and Shey and Gia and celebrate Whitney's life with you. We love you all.